どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう?

Listening to: “Doushite Kimi Wo Suki Ni Natte Shimattandarou?” by TVXQ
Thinking: about volunteering and other random stuff
Feeling: a bit frustrated

Yay, it’s official~ I’m going to be a volunteer at UCSD Medical Center (in Hillcrest). :)

It’s the only thing that’s even remotely related to hospital work that I can do at the moment… -_- I really want to start working. Anywhere, really. But my whole family’s like, “Don’t work at a nursing home because it’ll be hard to shift to hospital nursing once you do” so… >_>;;; My opportunities are really limited at the moment. It’s so frustrating but it’s not like there’s anything I can do because I’m 100% dependent on my family right now. They feed me, give me a place to stay here… Heck, I can’t even go anywhere without them because I can’t drive yet and I can’t go places unless they drive me.

Don’t even let me get started on how bad it makes me feel to be this way, especially after experiencing how it’s like to be totally independent while I was in the Philippines. :( (There was this time when I actually paid for everything I spent… Those 2 months I spent in Manila. I earned the money teaching English to Korean kids and… Yeah, I paid for my NCLEX review classes, food, board and lodging, and other expenses during those 2 months. I really miss being able to buy anything and everything I want without feeling guilty. :x)

So… I got side-tracked again. >_>

I’ll be volunteering in the CCU~ :D The first time I looked at the list of areas available to volunteers, I had the CCU, ICU or Labor and Delivery areas in mind. :x Then I read the phrase “this is a fast-paced and intense environment” right next to “CCU” and I thought, “Damn, this is what I want! 8D”

Thinking about that moment now, I realize that I really am masochistic. I don’t know why I always subject myself to difficult situations just to test my limits. WTF. T_T

I didn’t even think about how hard it might be until hours after I told the Volunteer Services coordinator that I chose the CCU. I started panicking earlier… How the heck am I going to volunteer in a CCU when I’ve never even been in one before?! (Well, aside from the time that my mom was admitted to a CCU about 13-14 years ago, after my dad died. But that doesn’t count. I was barely 8 years old then.) I mean, there aren’t really any CCUs in the Philippines, not where I used to live. ICUs, yes, but not CCUs. There’s a difference. :x

Oh well. I’ll think of it as a challenge. And as a really good way to get acquainted with healthcare done the American way. :) Hopefully this experience will be useful to me in the future, when I start working as a nurse.

GAH. Speaking of work… I called the nurse manager at one of the hospitals I applied to, and I didn’t get to speak to her. I left a message on her answering machine instead. I now realize that it must’ve seemed stalkerish because… I got the number from one of my mom’s friends who work for her (my mom’s friend is a LVN though, not a RN). But I didn’t mention that in my message. I have a feeling that the nurse manager is wondering how the heck I got her number. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. T_T

I keep wondering why Paradise Valley Hospital (in National City) has had the same postings for RNs for months now… x_x Aren’t they accepting applicants? Or do their new hires leave really, really quickly? :( I also applied there, but I have a bad feeling about it… I guess they don’t find me qualified enough for the job or something. ._.

Sucks to be a new grad in this economy. :( I really envy everyone else who’s in school right now. Being a stressed out student is SO much better than being a jobless new grad who’s being pressured to find a job STAT (or ASAP, in non-medical terms). T_T The stress is so much worse on so many levels… T_T And I hate being a burden like this on my mother. :( I hate asking for money; I hate having to go to my aunts and uncles to ask for favors whenever my mom can’t provide for me and my sister. I’ve always hated being dependent on people. ._.

Anyway… My attempts to dress as a SNSD member for Halloween seem futile. :( The weather has been really, really cold these past 2-3 days and I don’t think I’ll be able to withstand the cold in short shorts or a mini-skirt. x_x Instead, I’ll just wear something nice and put make-up on. If anyone asks what/who I am, I’ll tell them I’m a Korean high school student who’s on winter break or something. ROFL. My cousin keeps joking that she’ll throw a white sheet on me so I could pass as a ghost but… I don’t find that funny. IDK. It’s tacky. She’s tacky. >_>

I’ve been listening to DBSK a lot more lately. I guess it’s because of the news that they’ll be coming out with a new single in 2010, and because of the good news about how their case in court is going… Gives me more reasons to keep believing that they’ll all get out of this in one piece. :) And idk, I just miss the boys so so so much. T_T I was watching their perfs a few nights ago and… That giddy feeling came back. :D The feeling that used to make me curl my toes and squeal inwardly. I used to get that every time I watched their perfs before. And I felt it again a few nights ago. <3 It’s like the spark is back. Like a second honeymoon or something. ROFL.

I even got palpitations after watching the Mirotic MV (the dance version). I DON’T KNOW WHY. O_O It scared the heck out of me! So I was watching them closely, staring at Jae Joong’s bare chest, noticing how Yoochun’s crotch was flat (hahaha) and after the MV ended, I noticed how my heart was beating so fast and hard that it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

I don’t know if I should be happy because the boys still make my heart race, or scared because, well, who gets palpitations while watching a music video? It’s not normal, is it? o_o;;

And… I’ve had “Stand By U” on loop for the past hour. x_x But just right now, I switched to Doushite. Ehh. I hope it doesn’t make me cry. T_T

Why am I doing this to myself?!

And I’m still pissed at G because of something new that happened just last week. But I don’t feel like talking about it. I don’t even know where to begin talking about the other Facebook incident that happened a few months ago. :x It seems like Facebook is the only thing through which we communicate these days. I think I should stop talking to him on Facebook. It’s totally destroying the way I’ve viewed him for years. :\

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう?!

-_-;;;

Sorry for this weird entry. I…just have a lot on my mind. x_x I can’t organize my thoughts properly at the moment. I’ll probably just read a book right now to distract myself. T_T

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October 31, 2009. Fandoms, Love, Randomness, TVXQ, Work. 1 comment.

SNSD member for Halloween? Hmm…

Listening to: “Chocolate Love” by SNSD
Thinking: about Halloween costumes
Feeling: bored

IDK why I’ve been looping SNSD’s songs lately. x_x I can’t stop listening to “Tell Me Your Wish” and “Chocolate Love” and it’s driving me crazy. x_x It’s like, every time I switch songs, I find myself going back to SNSD’s songs anyway. GAH!

I’ve been thinking about returning to fanfic writing after…a 4-year hiatus? (Wait, has it really been 4 years? I think so.) But I’m not sure about it. I don’t even know what to write about! T_T I just feel like I need an outlet for…whatever it is that I’ve been feeling lately. But I don’t want to write if I know I’ll end up writing something mushy or sappy or heartbreak-filled. *sigh*

I’ve also gone through 3 books in the past 3 days. It takes me a few hours to go through one book. Well, it’s pretty light reading because all of them have been teen romance novels (my guilty pleasure, ROFL) so that should explain why I go through them so fast. :x

My friend, Marvee (erm, you may remember her as G’s best friend) told me to watch “500 Days of Summer”. Is it really that good? o_o I keep reading rave reviews about it from my friends on Facebook. I downloaded it but I don’t want to watch it if I know it’ll make me cry. ;_; I just don’t feel like crying right now, especially after crying for almost an hour a few nights ago which left me with really puffy eyes (the puffiness didn’t go away the next day, but I’m lucky my mom didn’t notice ._.). I don’t know why I’ve been so emotional lately… I don’t want to do anything that’ll trigger a sudden rush of emotions again.

Maybe I should clean the house. I’m sure I won’t get emotional doing that. Hahaha. ^^;;

And… I’m thinking of being a SNSD member for Halloween. I’m serious. o_o;; But my mom’s against it because it has been getting really cold lately and she says I’ll freeze to death in those short shorts (if walking in those high heels won’t kill me first). But… Their outfits (in their Tell Me Your Wish MV) were so cute! ;_; Or maybe I should wear their Chocolate Love outfits instead. Hmm. IDK.

I blame Soo Young for this. Why does she have to be so gorgeous? ;_;

Ehh. It’s almost 5:30 pm and I have to cook rice now. ._. Ahahaha.

October 28, 2009. Books, Fandoms, Movies, Music, Randomness. 7 comments.

Update. :)

Watching: “Jon and Kate Plus 8”
Thinking: about job-hunting
Feeling: a bit bored

Wow, I haven’t updated this in over 2 months. O_O Well, I got busy with reviewing (for the NCLEX). I passed it (yeah, hella proud for passing it…on my first try)! :D And now I’m looking for a job. ._.

In the meantime, I’ve been indulging myself in stuff I couldn’t do before because I didn’t have the time. I got a library card and I’ve gone through at least 8 books since I passed a month ago. Now, I know that’s not really an impressive number. I used to go through a book a day when I was in grade school. Hahaha. But it’s a good start, considering how I stopped reading for leisure in college because I was too busy.

And… I take afternoon-long walks in Coronado on some Sundays. 8D It’s actually the only opportunity I get to be by myself. To get away from it all. I start by going to the library and returning/borrowing books. Then I walk over to the nearby Starbucks to read. Once I get bored of doing that, I walk by Coronado’s ferry landing. :) Then I walk around town. And then I walk over to my mom’s workplace where I wait till she gets off from work so we can go home together. :D And did I mention that Coronado has a nice beach? XD I’ve never tried hanging out there because the weather is getting colder, but I’ll try going there once it gets warmer in a few months. ^^

I have a learner’s permit now… Which means I can drive, with supervision of course.

And I applied to UCSD Medical Center (in Hillcrest), for a volunteer position. I went to the interview last Friday and got the routine TB test and blood draw done. I’m waiting for the results now. I hope I get the position, even though it’s just a volunteer one. XD

Ooh, I have something interesting to share. Hahaha. I was walking in UCSD Medical Center last Friday, right? I was teetering in my 3-inch heels, and I was lost. T_T I couldn’t find Blood Drawing no matter how many times I looked at the map from all possible angles. Then three people approached me… This lady, plus 2 guys. I don’t know what the lady was, probably a doctor. But the two guys were med students and they were both cute. Heehee. They showed me how to go to Blood Drawing. 8D

I don’t know why I have a thing for doctors or med students. :( It’s sad, isn’t it? After what happened with G, you’d think that I’d probably have the good sense to steer clear of med students or doctors. But no… >_>;; Aigoo. I know that not all med students are the same, just like how not all nurses or engineers or architects or analysts or accountants are the same. But… :( *sigh*

Anyway, that’s all for now. I should get back to my reading. XD

October 26, 2009. Books, Fandoms, Life, Randomness. 1 comment.

I hate feeling like this.

Listening to: nothing
Thinking: about this -_-
Feeling: confused like hell

Ajlkajsdflkjasdlkfjadslkfjdsalfds.

Why is he doing this to me? T_T_T_T_T_T

I’m trying my best to get over him, right? But then he texts me out of the blue saying, “Hi Justine. hope you’re doing great. take care. God bless. :D”

I didn’t reply… But I happened to be online on Facebook earlier, then he went online. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I came back, there was an IM from him. “hi justine! how are you?” I replied, “I’m okay… how are you? :)” He said, “Glad to hear you’re okay… I’m really sorry, Justine, but I have a class at 3 pm (it was 2:59 pm there at that time, ROFL). I have to go now… Talk to you later. :D” Then he added (sort of like an afterthought), “Take care.” I said, “Okay, bye! Take care. :D” Then he said, “Thanks Justine. :D” Then he went offline.

I know I’m not supposed to be thinking anything aside from “aww, he remembered me :D”… So why am I spazzing inwardly? Geez, how stupid can I get? T_T It still hurts to think of what he did to me a few months ago (when he greeted that other girl on Multiply using a line that I used in a letter I wrote to him). I still dream of him every night, and it still fucking hurts. :( My brain is telling me to just stop replying to his messages… But how can I? The things that happened in the past hour are the very things I’ve been dreaming for ever since the day I started liking him. -_- To have him text me like that… To know that he actually thinks of me (even just as a friend) often enough to send me messages like that… Aigoo. :( I can’t believe I still have feelings for him, after what he did to me.

The weirdest thing is that he hasn’t texted Marvee (his HS best friend… remember how he compared our friendship to his friendship with Marvee? :x) yet today. o_o IDK. If our friendship is on the same level that theirs is, why does he text me when he barely texts her? -_-;; Why does he even bother to text me, anyway? And she told me that the last time they chatted, he told her that he had gotten over the other girl (the one he greeted on her birthday).

Why am I trying to analyze his actions all over again? I thought I was starting to be okay… I guess I wasn’t.

I feel so confused right now. I hate feeling like this.

August 14, 2009. Love. 2 comments.

“He wants to eat sh*t.” XD

Listening to: “Everybody Knows” by John Legend
Thinking: about how funny my mom can be at times
Feeling: amused

So my cousin Angelo sat down for lunch without washing his hands after coming from the bathroom…

Charmaine (my other cousin): Tita! Angelo didn’t wash his hands!
Me: Ma, pagsabihan mo nga na maghugas ng kamay! (Ma, tell him to wash his hands!)
Mom: He wants to eat shit. *in her sorta fobby Taglish accent*
Me: O_O *is stunned*
Angelo: Okay, okay! *runs to the bathroom to wash his hands*
Me: Anong sinabi mo? (What did you say?)
Mom: Gusto niyang kumain ng tae niya. (He wants to eat his own poop.)
Me: Hindi, sa English! (No, in English!)
Mom: He wants to eat shit.
Me: *dies laughing*

IDK. I find it really amusing when my mom cusses in English. XDD;;

August 14, 2009. Family. Leave a comment.

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